I have a new voice in my head. It didn’t arrive when I was transitioning from waking to sleeping as the others have. Those are common, I have come to understand. This one arrived when I was putting clothes in a drawer during the day, rather frantically trying to clean up for the arrival of a guest. He said in a menacing, gravely voice, “kill him.”
Yes, this was a shock to me. I don’t hear voices during the day time. I responded, “Oh, you’re annoyed that you have to do this work for a visitor when you could just be relaxing. Life is stressful enough.” He told me yes, and went away. I knew there was more to it, but he was satisfied and stayed fairly quiet throughout a busy weekend.
A few hours after the man spoke, a young girl’s voice came into my head, she said definitively, but quietly, “hurt you.” I didn’t respond to her other than to say “NO.” She has talked since, repeating the same thing, but I haven’t had a talk with her yet. She thinks I should hurt myself instead of hurting someone else. Not physically anymore, but in making a decision about a relationship. She wants to make my voice small, to give up my happiness so he can have his. I’m already doing that, to quite a great extent, so I’m not sure what her deal is. But she is also telling me someone hurt me, someone in the past, so I know where this is coming from. I just don’t want to go there now.
I could see her immediately; that was eight days ago. He just appeared to me today. He has been a presence all week, taking moments out of my work day to call me “stupid bitch.” He’s not the nicest guy, but I’m not afraid of him. He’s trying to manipulate me. For what purpose, I do not know. He talked to me a lot today. Not about hurting someone, just to hurl a few insults and tell me how much better he is than anyone else I might be seeing.
For now, it seems they are trying to find a balance; my brain is going to make me deal with things I just refuse to look at. I am very good at avoidance, or I was until now.
I’ve mentioned Eleanor Longden and the Hearing Voices Network, so at this point I am reluctant to even tell anyone. If you’re reading this, you’re the internet folks that are the first to know. I had to tell someone.
I’m just frightened of the fall out. Anti-psychotics may effect my performance at work, and I need to do well. I’ll tell a friend when I see him tomorrow. He’s known women with mental illness, so he won’t flinch. Especially if he knows he’s not the target of the voice, other than to let him know he’s not all that according to Johnny Be Goode. I just gave the voice that name. Everyone needs a goal.